Could’ve Been Four

It has been a week now.  A week since my wife and I miscarried again.

About a month now got pretty excited when after 3 months of “not trying to prevent ourselves from getting pregnant” we received a positive sign on a little plastic prego test.  Tiffany soon began to feel tired, slightly nauseous, and had that general “discomfort” feeling in her abdomen that moms usually do when things start rearranging down there.

Then about 2 weeks ago now she began to start spotting.  And as the days went on the spotting increased, and last Friday night is when she whispered to me during a dinner party at our place that she just miscarried.  My heart sank.  There isn’t anything you as a husband can really do at that point.

For the week prior while we had been spotting we prayed and told God together that we 1) wanted to be parents again, 2) love kids, 3) want to play a role in increasing the earth with His images, 4) will wait on His timing, and 5) that we trust Him no matter what.

On Tuesday this week (Valentine’s Day) we went to the doctor knowing that we were probably not going to see a baby on the ultrasound screen, but still having that 1% chance of hope that all parents have that a miracle was going to happen.  A miracle didn’t happen that day and our hunches were confirmed after leaving the office.

Through all this I have been thankful and reminded of God’s grace – especially when looking at Riley everyday.  (Oh man I’m so much more thankful of her now than I was before.)  We previously miscarried back in 2008 a few months after getting married.  That one was really tough because we were in the process of relocating from KC to Tulsa, didn’t have any close relationships or community, and honestly were embarrassed about it.  This time the Gospel and our faith family have helped us through this. Now we aren’t embarrassed, but instead are more trusting of Him.  Tiffany has been solid and full of faith this whole time.  She grieves and cried a bit, but knows that God is in control.  She is so awesome.  I’ve seen the gospel in her time and time again over the last 14 days.

We will continue to pray, continue to try for more kids, and trust Him.

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…do you ever wonder why?…

Has a time in your life ever come where you’ve sat down and asked God “Why?  Why now?  Why not now?  Why this?  Why that?  Why here?  Why there?”

My gut tells me that we’ve all asked those questions inadvertently or on purpose many times.  We want to know why God hasn’t answered a prayer yet.  We want to know why He hasn’t moved a stone.  We want to know why we still struggle with something so foolish.  We all have questions and sometimes the questions don’t go away.

If that is you – then let me introduce you to Josh Garrels – a singer/songwriter out of Portland, OR.  He has a song out that has garnered a moderate amount of attention called “Farther Along”.  It is pretty powerful.  It has been a long time since I’ve wanted to sit down and listen with a song on repeat.  This tune most assuredly fits in that category.  Go to this page if you want lyrics (and a free download), if not then just watch the video below and let the message in the music wash over you.

Enjoy!

…to give one blessing…

Have you ever wanted to do something for someone?  Like do something for someone really bad?  Like you knew that if you had the money to do something specific right now, that would be the first and only thing you would do with that money?

In 2007 I went to Israel with my church for two weeks.  It was one of the most amazing things that I have ever done.  Now I want to clarify that deciding to follow Christ, getting married, and having a child were all better.  But this trip was in my top 10 for sure.

Before I left for the trip, people who had gone before told me that I was going to love it because going to where Jesus walked, lived, and ministered really makes the Bible come alive.  When they told me that I just kind of smiled and told them thanks.  The reason why I didn’t really like them telling me that was because ever since college the Bible has been alive to me.  I mean when you read the history books and go over the wars, fights, betrayal, infidelity, all that stuff…its alive!  The Bible is alive!

While I was there I knew what the people were talking about.  But in my mind the Bible didn’t come alive.  Instead the Bible took form.  I had ideas in my head about what places looked like and so forth, but now I was seeing it in real life.

While I was there seeing the Sea of Galilee, Nazareth, Bethlehem, the Temple, the Jordan River, Masada, etc., all I wanted was for my dad to be there to see it all as well.  He has been a pastor for close to 40 years and has never been given the opportunity to go to Israel.  I felt beyond lucky to have gone (for next to nothing on top of that).

The thing I would like to do for someone more than anything else in life is to take my dad to Israel someday.  Since 2007 the average cost of the trip has gone up between $500-$1000 on most trips that I have looked at.  But the positive thing is that God has a lot of money at His disposal.  I’m confidant that if He wants us to go, someday we will.

What do you want to do for someone more than anything else?