Could’ve Been Four

It has been a week now.  A week since my wife and I miscarried again.

About a month now got pretty excited when after 3 months of “not trying to prevent ourselves from getting pregnant” we received a positive sign on a little plastic prego test.  Tiffany soon began to feel tired, slightly nauseous, and had that general “discomfort” feeling in her abdomen that moms usually do when things start rearranging down there.

Then about 2 weeks ago now she began to start spotting.  And as the days went on the spotting increased, and last Friday night is when she whispered to me during a dinner party at our place that she just miscarried.  My heart sank.  There isn’t anything you as a husband can really do at that point.

For the week prior while we had been spotting we prayed and told God together that we 1) wanted to be parents again, 2) love kids, 3) want to play a role in increasing the earth with His images, 4) will wait on His timing, and 5) that we trust Him no matter what.

On Tuesday this week (Valentine’s Day) we went to the doctor knowing that we were probably not going to see a baby on the ultrasound screen, but still having that 1% chance of hope that all parents have that a miracle was going to happen.  A miracle didn’t happen that day and our hunches were confirmed after leaving the office.

Through all this I have been thankful and reminded of God’s grace – especially when looking at Riley everyday.  (Oh man I’m so much more thankful of her now than I was before.)  We previously miscarried back in 2008 a few months after getting married.  That one was really tough because we were in the process of relocating from KC to Tulsa, didn’t have any close relationships or community, and honestly were embarrassed about it.  This time the Gospel and our faith family have helped us through this. Now we aren’t embarrassed, but instead are more trusting of Him.  Tiffany has been solid and full of faith this whole time.  She grieves and cried a bit, but knows that God is in control.  She is so awesome.  I’ve seen the gospel in her time and time again over the last 14 days.

We will continue to pray, continue to try for more kids, and trust Him.